Today, I spent time with my mom. She's been gone for just over 18 months. Yes, I miss her. What isn't always talked about is the relief that sometimes comes with death. I had a lot more relief than I care to admit and a lot more than most people knew.
Today, I was healing. I wrote a list of some of the ways she criticized me and the messages I received from both what she said and how she treated me. I didn't care about getting everything out. I went with the few things that came. I plan to repeat the process a few times.
I remembered when we were moving. My mom sent me to bed. She let my brother stay up to help her pack. I remember feeling a little hurt but I had no clue the depth of pain I held in that memory. I received a big message, “You are not capable. You require more sleep than Steven.”
I have been looking for where the energy that taught me that I am not capable came from. I couldn't find it. I didn't know where to look. I think it's because I tend to look for one big event but this one was line upon line. The line when I was little told me I was too young to clean the toilet. This huge thing when I was twelve. A few other messages along the way. All add up and eventually, I just “know” that I am not capable and I get illnesses that prove that belief right.
I had a friend tell me that my words about work told him that I was believing that I wasn't worthy of money or that I was only worthy to be poor. He meant well, and I could definitely see why he thought that. I want to share with you that sometimes it isn't about worth, even when you think it is. I knew I was worthy of money and that I was worthy and deserve to have money. I didn't believe I was capable. All the worth in the world won't change your life if you don't believe you are capable.
If you have been working on self-love, self-worth, and other similar things and you aren't seeing changes in your life, consider that there is another word in the way. For me, it was capable. For you, it could be something else.
If you want some assistance on this, reach out. It doesn't have to be to me, but I am here for you if you need it. I just want to see you shine, no matter how you get there. I know you are worthy, beautiful, and I even know you are capable! And so am I!
Michele
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