Decluttering with Children

You've probably heard about love languages. I don't know what your child's love languages is but let me tell you mine. My love language gifts. Many of my children have a high love language of gifts, first or second. This is important to remember with our kids and I'll tell you why from my perspective.

My mom didn't know what was important to me. My dad didn't know what mattered to me. When they decided what I no longer needed, often it in some way broke my heart. Things that meant a lot to me were tossed away as unimportant. Like that empty compact, my grandma gave me. To my parents, that looked like garbage. To me, it was a symbol of my grandma's love.

It's hard for me to hear about people going through their kids' toys. Especially hard if they do it while their kids are gone. When I have had conversations about this, I often hear things about how they don't believe their children would get rid of things. Sometimes they think they are too young, and in some cases, yes, they are too young. You'd be surprised at what kids are capable of.

We all know from our own experience or watching our children that when that old fast food toy comes out of hiding the kid is back in love with the toy. They cherish it for the next day or so only to be tossed aside again. This is often the reason I hear most for why a child "cannot decide for themselves." The in the moment love of all toys especially the one in my hand way children have can be quite convincing.

This is my suggestion before you start jumping to conclusions about what your children would do or are capable of. Teach them how to joy test.

Teach them to hold each object and listen to their heart. It could look different to each child so be cautious about how you word it. Some kids do really well with the idea of does it make you feel light or heavy. One of mine describes it as dark or light.

Another of my boys was trying to keep every shirt he owned. I knew that he bypassed a few of them in his drawer. He'd only wear one when there was nothing else in his drawer and yet, here he was keeping it. I was a little frustrated because I knew he was old enough to do this. Finally, he stopped and asked me, "Mom, does my heart sound like a ghost?" I was a bit shocked, but I answered that yes it can and watched a change. He let go of that shirt I knew he didn't like as well as quite a few more.

I hear thoughts when I joy test. Why I was surprised my son would is beyond me. I just forgot that different people receive answers in different ways and my child could receive like I do. Light/heavy, happy/sad, light/dark, voices, pictures they see in their mind, and more. There are a lot of ways to get answers for yourself and your child will have a way that comes naturally to them as well.

One day, I put every toy in our house in a huge pile on the front room floor. There was nowhere to walk. It was exactly what my kids needed. They needed to see just how much stuff they had. It took a while, but we sorted through that whole pile. In the end, each child kept very little and only what actually brought joy. We sent a lot of things away from our house that day.

Since then, it's been easy for them to let toys go. We get to go through similar processes often. Birthdays and Christmas inevitably increase the amounts of things they have. They grow and mature and their interests change. When they know it is safe to let things go and only keep what brings joy, it's a lot easier. It's also easier to put things away when there isn't as much stuff.

If you have a hard time letting things go, your kids will. You must be willing to declutter your stuff and let your kids see you do it before you engage them in the process. They need to see that it is safe and really does bring you joy. Kids are extremely sensitive to the energy of their environment. They'll feel the difference as you let things go.

Try teaching them as soon as you can. If you find they keep a lot of things, evaluate. Are they really old enough to understand what you are asking? Some kids get it at younger ages than others. If they aren't ready to joy test, that's okay. They'll learn eventually. Have you tried finding out how they hear their heart? Are you asking the right questions? Are you questioning their choices? If they say let it go, they get to let it go. If it's important to you, and sparks joy for you, then save it for you, not for them. Don't ask them if they're sure or even act shocked at some of the things they say goodbye to.

In the end, you're the parent. You get to make the decisions right for you and your family. Even if I get triggered, that's my problem, not yours. 😃 You may decide they didn't let go of enough, so you need to help the process. There are things we know most of our children won't miss. You can make that executive decision if you need to. I would suggest you wait a while, a month maybe, so they don't associate their decision with yours overriding it. They need to feel respected so they learn to trust their heart as they mature.

I'm sure you have some ideas to help the process along. Go ahead and leave a comment for other moms.

Lots of love from my heart to yours,

Michele

Decluttering 101

We hear about decluttering all over the place. They even made a Netflix series featuring Marie Kondo. Hearing about it, knowing it needs to be done, and even knowing why it needs to be done doesn't always make it easy to know how.

One person says if you haven't used it in a year, toss it. You toss it and a month later you wish you hadn't. Another says to ask if you'll use it. You think, "No, but I love it so much." "Doesn't matter," they imply, "because if you don't use it you must lose it."

I even remember watching one of those design TV shows where they come in and declutter with the couple. This lady had a sewing machine and little kids. Her husband hadn't seen her use her machine in years since she had the babies. The wife knew she loved her machine and would use it again. They talked her into letting it go.

I got so mad. As a mother of young children, I sympathized with her. I knew that I would use my sewing machine if I had a room I could lock when it wasn't in use or a cabinet that it sat at the ready and yet safe from the kids. My mother's machine was always set up and ready to go so she could just sew when she wanted. Mine is in a box that I have to find a place to set it up after I drag it out of the closet. It just wasn't worth the effort and then there were the little fingers safety issues when my kids were young like this ladies. There's no way I'd sell my machine unless it was my idea and it didn't bring me joy.

I get a little bugged by the mindset that if you haven't worn it in a year, toss it. Some as little as six months. I think that's way too simplistic. There are weather things to consider not just a time frame. What if I was pregnant over that period but I wouldn't be this next winter? I see too many possibilities to go with that simple method.

Along came the KonMari method and I felt a sigh of relief. It was no longer about asking my mind if I'd use it. I was asking my heart if it sparked joy. I was no longer focusing on what to let go of. With that focus, we get triggered into scarcity and start keeping things we wouldn't otherwise. It's kind of like the lose weight or release it concept in dieting. We want to go after what we lose so we gain the weight again. If we're focused on what to get rid of, our safety mechanisms kick in and we start keeping things.

Marie Kondo teaches us to focus on what to keep. Keep what sparks joy. It's so much easier to let something go when you realize it doesn't spark joy! Our mind doesn't try to protect us because our focus is on what is staying, not what we are sending away.

Had that wife been able to keep what sparks joy, she might have kept her sewing machine. The TV crew could have then created a way for her to use her machine. Instead, they were only thinking about the money that machine would bring in. Not the mindset I want when I am decluttering.

One response to the KonMari method is, "If I got rid of anything that didn't bring me joy, I'd get rid of... but my family needs that." I have a great story to counteract this.

My friend said just that to me. She didn't like her crockpot, her fridge, and a few other things. I asked her if she actually asked if the crockpot brought her joy.

Most often we just jump to conclusions about what will and will not bring us joy. We aren't asking our mind if it wants to keep it. We're asking our hearts. When she asked, her answer was a surprise. "Yes. The crockpot brings joy because it brings my family joy with good meals and that brings me joy."

There's a reason why Marie says to touch and hold every object. Joy testing is a matter of the heart. It's tuning into the energy of things and our subconscious. There are things I haven't used in a long time but I felt like they brought me joy. A few months later use for those things came up. My heart knew something my mind didn't.

There have been a few things that I missed after the fact. Mostly books but when I really thought about it, I didn't really miss the books. The information I wanted was usually online anyway.

Our heart knows what brings us joy. It knows how much and why something brings joy. One person may keep many books, another just a few. Some people end up looking like minimalists and other people actually keep quite a lot. The important thing is it's what sparks joy for you. 

One last thought for today. If you ask if it sparks joy and you really think you need it but got a no, it's okay to keep it for a while. Make sure you aren't just keeping everything. Make sure you ask yourself questions about it. What would you use it for and is that realistically going to be needed? Is it a fear that has you keeping it? guilt or shame? What would it feel like if you did let it go? What if you let it go and you did need it? These are just a few questions you could ask. You may find you can let it go after all. Or maybe it's like my friend's fridge, it needed to be kept until a replacement came in.

You can do it! Even people who don't have much might find they have things they can let go of if they ask the right questions. "Does this spark joy?" is one powerful question when deciding what to keep!

Lots of love from my heart to yours,

Michele

Teaching the Littles

Last week, I talked about decluttering and a couple of methods for doing that. I've done most of that for myself.

I live with my mom, so I don't have a lot of stuff. I have decluttered everything except for three things. My Christmas ornaments that have been in boxes since my divorce. My kitchen items that have been in boxes for the same reason, as we use my mom's. The last area, my photos. My dreams of creating photo albums haven't died. lol

This week, I had an urge to reread The Joy of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. Why?

I wasn't sure but I know that often rereading the same info at different times in your life could give you a different insight. For this reason, I followed the prompting and checked out the digital copy from my library.

It didn't take very long to realize one big reason why. When I read it the first time, I was reading with two intents. One was in my own decluttering journey. I learned a lot and have applied the principles quite well. The other was for you guys. If I know what's said in that book, then I can use the principles in my coaching and writing so that you can understand in a way that comes through my perspective.

This time, something that stood out was the concept that we weren't taught to declutter as children. We had to self-teach or as adults seek out specific education through books, videos, or coaches.

I'm a parent. I have 6 children. My oldest is an adult and out of the house with his own little family. My efforts to teach him was limited at best. I had a lot of postpartum depression and I was still early in my own learning efforts. I tried to teach him the value of less as I learned. Now, he's on his own for learning unless he comes asking.

The remainder of my children live at home. They range in age between 9 and 16. I can still teach them a lot more. They've already been taught how to joy test from the KonMari method and yet, there is so much more I could teach them.

As parents, we have an important role to teach our children how to be successful adults. One of those is taking care of a house. So, this time reading through, my number one thought will be about teaching my children. This is a great time too as school is out for the summer. I'll continue to share what insights I get with you and yet my priority will be teaching my children.

So hold onto your hats kids, this mom is about to take decluttering to the family level.

Lots of love from my heart to yours,

Michele

Clutter, Clutter Everywhere

I have been decluttering for years. I've read a lot of books and I feel like I have a great grasp on the concepts.

From Feng Shui studies I learned that all of our stuff has energy. That energy affects us. Sometimes it's positive and sometimes it is not.

If we keep something out of guilt, that energy of guilt is stirred every time we see it or think about it. When I say see it, I mean every time your subconscious brain that takes in 10,000,000 times more information than our conscious brain can process sees it. It's always there affecting your subconscious.

The same goes for things that we keep because it reminds us of people. Sure, if that reminder lifts us up, then that's a great thing. If it reminds us of heartache, it's not the best thing. This is why after my divorce, I let go of my wedding dress. It was hard because a part of me thought it would be good to keep for my daughters. The reality was every time I saw it, I felt like a failure and a little hopeless about my future. I don't need those kinds of reminders.

When we let things go, the subconscious mind is free to think about other things. Energetically, you're also freeing up that energy to return in a more supportive way. I've heard of people releasing things and then having money show up. My girls release clothes and then somehow end up with just as many as they started with. 😏 I find that right after I release a bunch of stuff, I get a bunch of answers. The energy wants to support us but when we hold tight, it can't do that. Let your things go and you allow the energy to return in a supportive way.

From the FlyLady, I learned that sometimes we need baby steps. This is truly a concept for the overwhelmed. If you don't know where to start, just starting with a little is a positive thing. There's another concept out there that disagrees with this, but I'll get to the why of that in a minute.

Her use of rules and routines is super important. Not all of her rules make sense for me, but when they don't I can replace them with rules that do. No matter which system you use for decluttering, you must have some rules in place. An important one is putting things back in their homes after you've used them.

The FlyLady is about getting out of that funk. Getting dressed in the morning. Getting a routine in place. Getting at least something done each day. The first priority in the home is getting decluttered. Her system takes things a little slower than a big declutter. That's needed for some people. As she often says, "You can do anything in 15 minutes." She gives you a plan and a limit so you can keep the overwhelm at bay.

From Marie Kondo, I learned the value in doing the decluttering all in one go. I also learned the value of doing one category of things at a time.

Marie teaches what she calls tidying and doing it in one go. Really, she's talking about decluttering. Getting it all out at once. Don't drag it out. Make it an event. After that big event, you're left with daily maintaining. Putting things back after you use them. When you buy new, letting go of the old. You're left with regular housecleaning not decluttering.

When you do this, you have a huge sense of accomplishment. You can see the results and feel them right away. You're not dragging it out for years. Sometimes that daily declutter idea sounds great but then after a couple of weeks, you stop. Other times, you're decluttering less than you're bringing in. Other times, you just have so much stuff that a few things each day doesn't feel like it's getting anywhere. When you do it Marie's way, you don't have that dragged out feeling or that giving up energy. It's just done.

Another concept is the categories. I've heard some people complain about these. They like doing an area or a room at a time. I get it. I tend to like doing areas myself. The problem is we often keep things in multiple areas. We have bookshelves in 3 rooms or towels upstairs and downstairs. Let's not even mention where all the pens could get stored!

I've read other books and learned other things, but these are some of the biggest impacts.

FlyLady says routines and declutter first. If you can't follow the KonMari way. then if you spend a few minutes every day tackling the clutter it'll work. If you can take longer each day or better yet hire someone to help you be accountable that's even better.

Sometimes we have to work in layers. Maybe for a while, you follow FlyLady routines and for one week spend your declutter efforts in one room, followed by the next week in another room as FlyLady directs. After a while of doing this, you'll be able to take it another layer and work in categories like Marie says. Pull all of the clothes out from wherever they are. Pull out all of the books no matter what room they're in.

Sometimes we need to hire someone, paid or not. I think part of the success that comes with the KonMari method is for those actually working with her. She helps keep them accountable and gives them specific assignments. Some people find having a friend or group helps keep them accountable. Either way, when you have that accountability you seem to get more done in a shorter time. Some people need that money spent on a coach to keep them motivated. (If you're looking for one, I'm available for remote and possibly on location coaching. Schedule a consult.)

Wherever you're at or whatever level of effort you can do, remember there is great value in letting go of what doesn't bring you joy. More on that in another post. I think this one is long enough. 😉

With lots of love from my heart to yours,

Michele