Failure?

I am a failure and so are you. Before you freak out, let me explain.

Our entire life we have been fed expectations. How to look, how to dress, how to talk, what to think, who to like, how to serve, etc. For some of us, this has been extreme. There was a critical person in my life making the expectations more drastic and I know I'm not the only one.

I just watched the movie “Turning Red” and there was a line in it that was so triggering for me. I sobbed. The main character screamed at her mom, “I'm sorry; I'm not perfect like you.” That was so hard for me because even in the last year of my mom's life, I had screamed that same line at her. Every time I didn't do things the way she wanted, every time there was a critical slur thrown my way, I knew I didn't meet her expectations. I felt like a failure and like I would never measure up or be enough.

Here are some things to consider. She said those things because she felt them about herself. She too was striving to be perfect and spent her days with an inner critic saying awful things to herself. She too believed she was not enough and would never measure up.

More importantly, I could not ever live up to her expectations. That's the truth. I couldn't because number one, they were unrealistic expectations. Number two, I am a completely different person. I am motivated by different things. I have experienced different things. I see the world through different lenses. I would have to completely change me into her ideal version of herself in order to achieve her version of perfection. Her ideal wasn't even based on her soul's point of view, it was all the expectations she was fed.

Who told us what was perfect? Our parents, society, church, and even what we thought they implied but didn't say. How many of those ideas are based on the real you? on God's truth? Are they giving you guidelines based on your uniqueness in the world? Of course not.

Based on the fact that none of these ideas are taking into consideration the soul that is you, it is literally impossible to achieve this perfection. Therefore, we are all failures. YAY for that because do you really want to change yourself into some idea of perfect that has nothing to do with you? I don't want to succeed at their ideals. In this way, I want to be a failure.

It's important for us to redefine what failure means and even what perfection means. My new definition is: Failure is not meeting outside expectations. The reality is, when we get in tune with what our soul desires, we are so excited to be that way and do those things that we don't quit, we don't fail UNLESS we still have outside expectations getting in our way.

Who would you be without the expectations of the world, your family, etc? What would you do? 

Sometimes that's hard. We have been so busy trying to be what everyone wants, we forget who we are. For me, I ask God to give me insight into my truth. I also tune into those times when I do feel expansive, blissful, and at peace. I know that is the real me. If I were making decisions from that place, what would I decide?

The truth is, since failure is meeting outside expectations, I want to be a failure. I want to be ME. The beautiful, calm, peaceful me that is so full of love. From that space, how could I ever choose in a way that would harm me or those I love?

Some of you Obligers are freaking out. (See last week's post if you don't know what I mean.) I know you are wired to meet the expectations of others. Maybe a solution would be seeking God's True expectations, after all, if you believe in God do you really want to disappoint? Or, maybe it's about not letting down your soul. There is a solution for you to let go of the false ideas of perfection.

The next time you catch yourself thinking, “I am such a failure at _____,” look at what external expectations you aren't meeting. Who told you what being a good mom looks like? Who told you what being a good wife looks like? Who told you what being a good person looks like? As the song says, “Who said you're not perfect?” What would you choose if you listened to your soul?

With love from my heart to yours,

Michele

Life Facilitator

I'm inviting you to wake up and live!

Great Expectations

Today, I wanted to recommit to my work here on the blog. It sounds kind of crazy because you have probably heard that before. I have since learned some important things about myself to make my plan more likely to happen.

I have recently read the book  “Better Than Before” by Gretchen Rubin. I don't know if I have read her other book "The Four Tendencies” or if I have just learned some of the information about the tendencies. I only know that I have been familiar with some of the information in the book “Better Than Before”.

In “Better Than Before”, Gretchen said some things about the four tendencies that actually clicked with me in a whole new way. I am an Upholder, this I've known. This means that I respond to both internal expectations and external expectations. I can meet expectations from others like deadlines in a class or I can set my own. Obligers have a really hard time setting internal expectations for themselves, They do best to engage in groups or in other things in which other people are affected by their choices. A Questioner has to know the why behind everything that is expected of them. Some might choose to do it even if they don't agree with the why, they just need to know the why. Other Questioners will refuse to do what they don't agree with. Finally, there are the Rebels. They reject and avoid internal and external expectations. They have to use reverse psychology on themselves. One example was given to help with spending less, instead of creating a budget they were “avoiding” the marketing schemes. The results were spending less money but the way they did it was to give them something else to avoid.

As an Upholder, the thing that stood out to me this time was expectations, more specifically “clear expectations.” As I thought about it, when I gave myself clear deadlines like to post every Monday, I did so much better. Every time I have been successful at blogging, making YouTube videos, or whatever, it was when I had a clear expectation of myself. So, I have set some clear expectations, one might call them self-imposed rules.

The other thing I realized with myself is that I have to be careful about setting too many expectations. If I have too many, I will drop things off and they may be my most important things. For this reason, I have an idea of what I want to do each week and I'm careful to work on high priorities first. I look at each day and ask myself what I can clearly expect done knowing how I feel and what else is on the agenda.

I thought it interesting as I thought about art classes. In an art class or any class really, I would excel. I rarely do art when I am not in a class. At first, I thought maybe it was an Obliger thing. But I never did it to please the teacher. I now realize that an art class gives me an assignment, which is a clear expectation. Without the class, I don't really know what kind of project to work on.

When I wasn't working on a recent project, I realized that the problem was I didn't have a clear understanding of what was needed. Taking a moment to talk to the client and get some clarity was what it took to get me moving. Along with this, if I feel like I might do it wrong, I also won't move forward. I need to know what I expect of myself and what the client expects then I can easily do the work.

There are other dichotomies mentioned in “Better Than Before”. Do you like new experiences or familiar ones? Do you like starting or finishing? Are you a night owl, or an early bird? Etc. Each one of these is helpful. I don't like finishing things; I love starting things. I can use this strategy in my crochet and knitting work. As I get to the part of the project I don't love, I can push through by reminding myself that as soon as this one gets done, I can start a new one. I'm working with my desire to start things.

Why am I sharing so much about myself? You might not be an Upholder, in fact, it's likely you aren't. What you can take away is the idea that knowing things about yourself allows you to work with and around your tendencies. 

If you are an Obliger, you can build in accountability and people that care. Maybe self-care is hard for you, so you join a class or you engage a friend to make sure you are doing what you need for yourself. Your natural instinct will kick in so you don't disappoint them. This isn't a wrong thing, don't beat yourself up for not doing it for yourself. It's just not the way you are wired. We need people like you in the world. Instead of beating yourself up, recognize the beauty of you and work with your nature.

A Questioner would need to understand the why of taking care of themselves and then set rules for themselves. An Upholder tends to be more instinctual about not overdoing it and setting rules in place for themselves. A Rebel might need to look at what they are avoiding. “They say I'll run myself to the ground, well I'll show them,” and then they take time for themselves just to prove “they” wrong. Whatever works for you to get the job done is perfect.

I'm grateful for all of you. Your unique gifts to the world. You are designed the way you are for a reason. Whether this came from early wounding or just the way you have always been doesn't matter. What matters is understanding yourself and then using that info to create a beautiful life by working with your nature not against it. I believe in you.

With love from my heart to yours,

Michele

Life Facilitator

I'm inviting you to wake up and live!