Years ago, early in my decluttering process, I found myself with about a week's worth of clothes in the closet that took up about 6 inches of space. My husband at the time had clothes that took up about a yard of space. I was getting rid of nearly anything I had control of, which meant my clothes were easy to send away. Why?
There are different causes of what I would refer to as extreme clutter. Nearly everyone who hasn't decluttered has things they can let go of. Those people who easily let go of things don't look at those few things as clutter. Clutter happens when you have too much stuff or too little space. It's really when you don't have a home for everything, and you can't find what you need.
My children were young. We were getting ready to have my 5th child. I had a teenager and three little people 4 years old and younger. We lived in a two-bedroom apartment. We had dressers in the front room. We had a three-month supply of food storage in boxes lining our dining room. We squeezed multiple beds and a crib in one room. I was a space utilizing queen. I had the kind of clutter that came from too little space.
I started the FlyLady system. I was cleaning out whatever I could. I couldn't touch the husband's clothes, so I would take care of mine. Even with all my efforts, I heard over and over that we had too much stuff. It hurt so much because I knew I was doing my best and the real problem was the size of our place.
It's funny looking back. I didn't get each babies clothes down to a week's worth, just my own. I talked my teenage son into going down to 30 t-shirts. I encouraged my husband to weed out a few of his clothes. It was mine that had to go. I was trying to make sure I didn't take up too much space. I was making ME small.
Internally, it was okay for those wonderful kids to have what they needed. They needed the space. They needed the clothes. They deserved to take up space, but I didn't. My decluttering efforts were about what I could get rid of to take up very little space. It played out in life.
I stopped playing the piano so I wouldn't compete with my husband. I stopped trusting my intuition. I was the one who did the budget and I'd make sure he had money to spend on whatever he wanted, no matter how little we had. I'd occasionally give myself some spending money and then spend it all on him and the kids. By the end of my marriage, I didn't know who I was. I decluttered myself away and tried to take up as little space in the world as I could.
This kind of decluttering isn't healthy. This mindset isn't healthy.
As I've healed, there have been stages of healing. In the last 9 years, I've lived in the same place with my mom. I went from living in a family room without a door to having my own room with a door. I didn't think I was worth my own space 9 years ago. Now, I created boundaries and declared to myself that I deserved a room of my own. It's been a process to get where I am today, one of great healing.
I'm no longer looking for what to get rid of. I'm no longer trying to make myself as small as possible. I'm looking for joy. Keeping what brings joy. Surrounding myself with joyful things. I'm finding ways to let my light out and grow. I laugh more than I ever remember laughing in my life.
Things aren't perfect. I still have some things to go through, things to declutter and beliefs to sort through. I know that there will be great healing in the process. It's okay to be where I am because I can see how really far I have come.
Lots of love from my heart to yours,
Michele
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